*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
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‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”