#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
You Might Also Like
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
December birthdays be like…
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy