No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
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[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
This rocks
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons