me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
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Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.