sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
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*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!