I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
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Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
broke down and did it
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.