She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
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I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED