1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
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GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
OMG 🤣🤣
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course