[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.