Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
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Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Whoa… oh I see lol
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Go hard or stay average
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
So sick of all these stupid rules
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Brb my Sims are getting married
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.