Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
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No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.