[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
You Might Also Like
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.