Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
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[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”