“The Perfect Relationship”
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In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
They got a point!
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Does it…does it take 3 days
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
79.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby