One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
You Might Also Like
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
what it’s like dating me:
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.