A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
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If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.