Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
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Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
iPhone X
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.