‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
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The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.