[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
You Might Also Like
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Meat Cute
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.