When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
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[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.