if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
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the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
the dark web is just a goth google.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?