My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
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Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Oh. My. God.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21