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Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
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My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
If you are reading this then you are reading this
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
#polloftheday
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.