celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
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So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.