I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
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[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
back to work
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.