[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
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“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it