Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
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{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…