All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
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Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
They’re stuck in your pants?
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..