The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
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parents: you are what you eat
kids:
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.