when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
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“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…