Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
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I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Ooh I do like a good funnel
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Good dog. ❤️
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no