Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
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Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
You are not alone 💚
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
😍😂🥰😂😍
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
haha same
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.