Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
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No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous