Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
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No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Happens to everyone.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!