yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
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Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.