Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
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[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”