Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
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Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show