Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
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I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen