[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
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I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.