Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
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If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense