It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
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It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
crochet youtube is brutal
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”