You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
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Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?