“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
You Might Also Like
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house