Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
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Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
uncle dave has been through hell
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.