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just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
How dude HOW?!
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
🌱🌱🌱
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Thrilling chase underway
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.