What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
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It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
scared to check what name she chose
me refusing to leave twitter
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.