Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
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College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Its true…
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.