keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
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extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Husband of the year 😂
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now