“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
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It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.