Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
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On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.